


The Oceanic Feelings

by junxouji



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop, Original Work
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Smut, Original Character Death(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-11
Updated: 2014-11-11
Packaged: 2018-02-25 00:58:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2602673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Remember,</p><p>There's a map beneath your skin and all your veins are rivers, there's directions and instructions written in secret on your bones, there's a star you can't see that shines in a North you'll never know.</p><p>And a secret current, beneath the waves, that carries you to the end of you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Oceanic Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short work I decided to type. Ugh, this OTP just hurts my soul. However I absolutely hate this editor on A03. It makes all my work look less visually pleasing.

The summer heat was suffocating that summer as Kyungsoo sat in the living room of his small, dingy apartment watching a show on the cooking channel on one of his few days off. It seemed like everyday seemed to go by in a  blur . His shirt was plastered to his back with a thin sheet of sweat as he sipped the glass of wine laying back on the used sofa he’s had since he was in college.

 

The night was hot and thick with humidity and he knows he wants to go shower to cool down and wash away the yucky feeling. The cars outside are loud from the busy Seoul day and Kyungsoo finally moves from the sofa when he hears a light knock on his door.

 

His eyes train on the clock on the wall showing it was half past ten and he’s not sure who would be at his door at this time of night. But he finds himself flattening his hair and going to push his door open. Standing much too tall for the doorframe is Kris, but something is amiss. Kyungsoo notices right away. The tears threatening to fall from his face, the tightness of his mouth, and after years of friendship the hurt reflecting in his best friend’s eyes. Kyungsoo’s chest tightens: it’s one of those moments where he can literally feel the hurt coming from Kris in waves.

Kris walks past him and Kyungsoo shuts the door. He knows better not to ask. If Kris wanted him to know, he’d tell him. But Kris has his insufferable pride and it’s hard enough for Kris to cry in front of Kyungsoo. He only does so because he knows Kyungsoo wouldn’t ever laugh.

 

But, it’s like all the times before when Kris shows up at Kyungsoo’s apartment. They both know but neither mention it. Kris’ mother was dying. The inevitable truth was the cancer was winning and Kris was losing a hold of his sense of reality. One moment he’d be by his mom’s side at the hospital in tears watching her drift into a morphinized state of unconsciousness and then he’d be at Kyungsoo’s doorstep. His mother was the only thing he had. The rest of his family hadn’t bothered to even send a  get well card. His father hadn’t ever been in the picture and the only real relationship Kris had ever had was his friendship with Kyungsoo.

 

Though admittedly, Kyungsoo enjoys being the only person Kris relies on because he’s selfish like that. Because Kyungsoo has been in love with his best friend since they were kids. He wanted to cherish him. He wanted to be the only one who sees him cry. The one person allowed to hold him, rub his hair, and tell him  it’s going to be okay .

 

Kris stares at the wall, the tacky wall paper covered in photos of Kyungsoo’s big family and them in high school, he wonders what would have happened if he never met him? Where would he be in a moment like this?

 

“Soo,” Kris murmurs, “I’m cold.”

Kyungsoo comes nearer as he takes Kris’ hand and gently tugs him. “Then let’s go to bed okay?” He asks gently as he nudges him back to the bedroom, helping Kris remove his jacket. On a normal day Kyungsoo might complain that the younger male was too needy but in moments where Kris is vulnerable Kyungsoo feels the need to be a protective hyung. Kyungsoo buttons Kris’ shirt throwing it aside and bends to take the unresponsive man’s shoes off. He makes Kris lay down and he pulls the blankets over him.

 

Like so many other times Kyungsoo slides into bed with him and curls to the taller male’s arms. Neither say anything. They don’t need to. Kris isn’t stupid. He  knows . He knows Kyungsoo loves him. He can feel it in Kyungsoo’s caring gaze. He can hear it in the soft way Kyungsoo speaks to only him. (Kyungsoo on a normal day was very vulgar.) He can tell by the way Kyungsoo’s hands brush against his temple and he swears when he closes his eyes, Kyungsoo kisses his wet eyelids.

 

Kris knows it’s selfish. But he cannot help but want to hold onto Kyungsoo’s love without any promise or thought that he might be able to ever return it. It makes him feel special. Important even. Like there was a map underneath the skin Kyungsoo caressed pointing to a treasure buried deep inside of Kris. It makes him feel like he isn’t complete shit for not being able to save his mother.

It’s when Kris’ mother is given only a week left to live Kris shows up a mess one night. Kyungsoo finds his friend stumbling on his apartment door step drunk and doing everything he can not to cry. He’s trembling from the cold. Kyungsoo is sure his heart breaks when the other just steps in and pulls Kyungsoo into a hug and sobs. It’s not the soft sobs Kyungsoo is use to hearing next to him in bed where Kris is trying to be quiet. But like he unleashed the forces of the ocean and he’s shaking with the feeling of powerlessness. His fingers dig too deep into Kyungsoo’s skin but the shorter male doesn’t complain. He doesn’t mutter a word when Kris holds him too tightly. Or when the tears slid from Kris to Kyungsoo’s skin, burning with anguish with each salty drop. He feels terrible. He couldn’t do a thing to make Kris feel better.

 

You cannot say “ it’s going to get better” because it will  never be better. He cannot promise any happy ending or sense of comfort. He can only hold his friend until he is pushed back against the wall and Kris is no longer crying on him, but pressing his lips against Kyungsoo’s.

 

It startles him.

But he melts in Kris’ arm.

 

Kris knows it’s a selfish thing to do. He knows Kyungsoo feels bad for him. He knows the other is only trying to be a good friend. He knows that Kyungsoo  loves him in a way that friends do not love. But Kris needs  something , anything to forget. Even if only for a while. He’s feeling like he’s being pulled apart by the sems of his sanity. Just someone to hold.

 

Kyungsoo kisses him back like Kris tastes like fire. He tastes like minty menthol marlboro and honey soap. Kyungsoo bets he has a pack of Marlboro Smooth 100’s in his pocket somewhere.

 

There are the seconds Kris knows it’s a mistake, that he’s taking advantage of the other’s friendship. He knows he’s doing something unforgivable. But the way Kyungsoo bends against him, presses hard as if begging for more, for this moment to never end-- Kris feels something he hadn’t felt in a long time. He feels important and needed. And most importantly, he feels like he’s in control of his life. Even if only for a few fleeting moment.

 

They make it to Kyungsoo’s room. Kris has the other bend under his finger as if Kyungsoo was molded from clay and Kris able to shape him however he desired. The other is being so complacent he wonders if this is really the feisty Kyungsoo he’s come to known. Kyungsoo all but whimpers when he tosses him on the bed. His fingers dig to remove the particles of clothing standing in the way.

 

For a man who has always been straight, Kris finds Kyungsoo irresistible. Maybe it’s the way the other will do and give anything to him; even his body so long as it makes Kris happy. Maybe it’s the delicious sounding moan that comes from Kyungsoo when he presses hard kisses down his pale, petite, nude body.

 

For Kyungsoo, Kris was always a star too far to touch or reach. Something he could dream on but never truly have. But now, as Kris left scolding open mouth kisses along his body, Kyungsoo able to do much else but arch towards the man he’s come to love-- he just wants Kris to never cry again.

 

They don’t unite as lovers do at first. But they tether on the edge of it. Kris grinds himself against Kyungsoo, his bare erection wet against the puckering twitching entrance of the other male. It’s when Kyungsoo feels the long willowy fingers of his best friend does he realize what they’re doing. He’s red faced, flush, and out of breath as he pulls Kris down to his face arms wrapped around his neck. He nuzzles his neck softly, whispering, “I love you. I love you so much.”

 

It’s the first time Kyungsoo ever said the words. Though they both know, it makes it all the more real. One of the slender digits is pushed in the moist heat and Kyungsoo’s eyes instantly water. It’s uncomfortable and painful. But he’s willing to hurt to satisfy Kris.

 

For Kris, it’s liking being blinded and having his eyes opened to the sensual man in front of him wondering why he never truly  saw Kyungsoo until now. He’s not sure he will ever forgive himself for doing this to his friend but he knows after this he’s never going to want to let go.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t love you soon enough.” Kris mutters back, his lips dancing across Kyungsoo’s in his own silent confession.

 

“It’s okay. You’re here now, that’s all that matters.” Kyungsoo mutters.

 

Kris decides in that moment as he slips another finger into the warmth, he’s never going to share Kyungsoo’s heart with anyone. He couldn’t bare the thought of something that was solely his being touched by another. He wants Kyungsoo. Not only because he’s a selfish fuck but because he knows that no one will ever love him as much as Kyungsoo will. That the affection in Kyungsoo’s eyes isn’t the fickle type of love you see on TV-- it’s the type that never ends, never ceases to be, and it’s the type of love that allows Kyungsoo to give himself to Kris with no promise of his feelings ever being returned.

 

It’s devotion.

It’s obession.

And it’s passion.

 

Kris wants Kyungsoo. He’s flattered and honored the feelings are bestowed upon him, who is such an unworthy lover. A tiny part of him wants to shower Kyungsoo in his returned love. But he cannot express it in any other way but through physical means. But Kyungsoo is so good at reading him:  he knows , Kris tells himself.

 

It’s ironic how Kris was the first one to cry but when Kris is finally done preparing the other and enters him slowly but surely, Kyungsoo ends the night in tears. Soft whimpers and pleas, wet eyes and lashes, swollen lips and moans-- Kris wonders how he could have ever been so stupid to not accept the other man until now.

 

When finished they lay there, Kyungsooo’s face pressed against Kris’ chest. His eyes watery still and his body sore. His fingers trace patterns in the other’s skin but little does Kris know that Kyungsoo is spelling out words across his skin:

 

사랑해

 

Kyungsoo writes invisibly across the slightly tan skin of the Chinese man. He feels Kris’ long fingers threading through his dark hair and Kyungsoo wants to purr but more importantly he wants to know what this means for them.

 

“You’ve given me everything.” Kris says slowly after a while. “Your heart, your body, your time.. I am not worthy. But I want it all. I don’t know if I have anything to give back to you… Sometimes I feel like a broken memory of the person I use to be, but if you’ll take me-- the me with all my broken parts, I will give it all to you. Everything I have, even if it’s nothing.”

 

Kyungsoo looks up and his eyes are flooded with tears again. Because he doesn’t care if Kris is a whole person. Half a person. A broken person. He just knows ever since they were kids Kris has been the  only person Kyungsoo could ever see. And  God , how much he loved him.With every fiber of his being did Kyungsoo adore him.

 

“I don’t care if you’re bleeding, broken, or torn apart.” Kyungsoo muttered as he placed a hand on the man’s cheek, making him look up at him with a slight tilt, “Do you know how silly it is to love someone because they’re perfect Kris?” He asks as he moves closer to press a chaste kiss against his lips. “Anyone can love someone who they see as a perfect person who has treated them well. But to love that which is the polar opposite separates my love from the fickle kind of love. I love you because of your scars, your hurts, and your sorrows. You pretend to be this strong person who doesn’t need anyone.. If you’d just let me past your boundaries and to hold you when you’re feeling weak. Then I’d be happy.”

 

Kris’ idea that Kyungsoo is too good for him is confirmed. “Then hold me. I’m cold.” Kris mutters and a small smile spreads across Kyungsoo’s face knowing it was Kris’ way of telling him he wanted the same thing.

 

Kris’ mother dies the next day. Though Kris is lost, feeling the lowest he has ever felt, he knows at least this time he isn’t alone. Kyungsoo is there holding his hand. Though the pain is unbearable there will come a day it’s only a tinge of what it use to be. And when it fades to his memory, he knows Kyungsoo will  still be there at his side. Kyungsoo is like a pillar of hope, he supposes. Something to weigh his sanity down so it doesn’t drift off with all the hardships to come. Kyungsoo’s kiss is like a remedy for broken hearts-- because never has Kris ever felt so entirely whole. And it’s the oceanic feelings Kris doesn’t mind drowning in.

 


End file.
